Being a stepmom is hard - in many ways, harder than being a mom to your own kids. Mostly because on top of worrying if you're doing the right thing, you are also painfully conscious of the often not-so-forgiving harsh and green-eyed judgment of the real mommy -- the one who would rather see you gutted like a fish, rather than allow you to wipe away her little snowflake's tears in her absence. Every act of tenderness or consideration you show her children is viewed as an attempt to usurp mommy's place in the poor little moppet's heart.
Not that I don't understand the impulse to feel protective and I certainly understand how painful it can be to feel as though you have to share your children's love with someone else - especially someone who truly does serve as your replacement in many other respects. However, this kind of attitude can lead to fierce confrontations and loyalty battles, with the children always, inevitably, placed in the middle. A truly good mother would recognize that as something which should be avoided at all costs.
The first new girlfriend my ex-husband had, after our break-up, seemed to be a nice lady with 2 daughters of her own. My children all liked her and my eldest son, in particular, became very close with her at first. It was painful and heart-wrenching to hear him talk about how much fun she was and how much he enjoyed doing things with her, but I carefully guarded my jealousy and made a stringent effort to be friendly with her. I even gave her a gift on that first Mother's Day - the card read "Thank you for making my children happy".
I'm sure that both she and my ex thought I did this because I was trying to suck up or disarm them in some way. But they were wrong. I did this because I understood one very important thing: That at this time, more than any other, what my children needed most was the safety and security of having loving and responsible people around them - at both their houses.
The break-up of a family is one of the most traumatic experiences a child could face in their lifetime. It leaves them with a huge sense of insecurity, doubt and fear. The introduction of a new partner can exacerbate the problem, especially if the new partner is less than sympathetic to the children's' feelings.
Certainly no one wants their children to have a stepmom (or stepdad) who feels comfortable critiquing or reorganizing their own parenting choices - that is far over the line of what is appropriate - but showing them how to brush their teeth, teaching them how to cook, sew or garden, or comforting them through a nightmare are things that all children need, and should be permitted to get and expect from anyone who presumes to be a large part of their lives. Any parent -- mother or father -- who would begrudge them that out of a sense of wounded pride or a need for control, is too self-absorbed and insecure to deserve the trust their children place in them.
Children in blended families already have to manage 2 homes, with 2 sets of rules and 2 sides of loyalty. Any mother worth her title would pray and beg for the chance to spare her children the stress and pain of having a figurehead in the other parent's home be cold, uninvolved and impersonal. It makes the children feel like visitors in a home that should feel like their own. That anyone would prefer this for their children, rather than have to share their love, both confuses and infuriates me.
In my own experience, we are a family of 8 -- 2 parents and 6 kids (3 are his and 3 are mine). We are a busy and complicated family and nothing would cause more disharmony, than if Mikey and I didn't fully love -- and fully treat as loved -- all of our children. I love his children and my heart aches for them when they are unhappy or sick. I feel pride and joy whenever they accomplish something great and I wish nothing more than the very best for all of them -- just as I do for my own children. What kind of mother would discourage that kind of support and affection for their children, not matter who it came from?
Well, a "me first" mommy, that's who. A narcissistic control freak who can only conceive of her children's needs through the prism of how it makes her feel. Nevermind the comfort and security their children gain when they know they will be nurtured in both their homes, the usurping harpy at Daddy's house needs to back off and remember who Mommy Number One really is!
Shame on them.
Despite initially swallowing my jealousy over the bond my children had formed with their new stepmom, it wasn't until I had to hear their complaints and concerns when that bond went sour that I really appreciated how important it was for that other mommy to be someone who was capable and willing to step into the role of mothering in my absence, without compunction. Hearing the sadness and frustration in the voices of my children, as they professed that they loved to spend time with their father but his girlfriend was cruel and miserable to them, was far more painful than the petty pangs of jealousy I had felt before. I would have given anything for them to have someone there who they could trust and feel good with. And that is the way it should always be.
For anyone out there who is struggling with this, always remember what it means to be Mommy -- your children come first. Their feelings and needs are paramount and they deserve to be loved and cared for by everyone in their lives. And if that means you have to let some other woman pick the lice out of their hair or help them pick a prom dress, or rub Vick's on their chest when they're sick -- well, suck it up and lump it. Anything less, and you don't deserve to be a mother.
